A bit of a wash-out

We were discussing cultural differences the other day in class and the subject turned, naturally, to bidets. 'Do you use bidets?' one of my students enquired. 'Err, well, not exactly', I replied (meaning no). 'Not even rich people?' (apparently this qualifies you better to have such a piece of equipment in your house). 'Well, it's not really the culture, we just don't use them generally'. Expressions of confusion passed over the faces of the majority of the class and I could see some of them wrestling with whether they dare ask 'so how DO you clean yourselves after going to the toilet?'. No-one asked the question but I could see already that their view of the prim and proper English person had dropped in ranking considerably. 'Anyway', I continued breezily 'I use mine to wash my hair in' (well, I DO. You can direct the nozzle in such a way as to keep your ears reasonably dry and prevent water running down the back of your neck). Now people really started to look upset. I saw one woman at the back of the class starting to collect her books and pens together in preparation to leave. I realised immediately I had proferred too much information and tried to cover my tracks. 'I'm the only resident in the house so it's not as if other people use the bidet and then I go in and wash my hair'. I could tell they were now thinking a) she doesn't use the bidet for the purpose it was intended and b) she does use the bidet for the purpose it was intended AND washes her hair in it. Clearly it was a no-win situation and I tried to crack a joke saying 'People always tell me I have beautiful hair and ask me what's the secret. I tell them that I have a special method for washing my hair!'. No-one laughed except for me and I found myself laughing into the silent space of the classroom. Clearly the conversation had gone too far. I coughed, flushing deeply and croaked 'Err, page 53 in your books....present continuous...!'