Skirting the issue

Last Tuesday was market day and I found my neighbour and her friend cooing over some skirts on special offer. The friend is notoriously snooty and even after being introduced to you would most likely never bother to acknowledge you if you passed her in the street. I had TT in tow and as this woman was wearing a fur coat, TT started snarling at her (something she never does!). Good dog! I thought, half-heartedly pulling her away. The woman looked down her nose at both of us. ‘Whose dog is this?’ she asked disgustedly. Hmm, the clue is, if you follow the lead from the neck of the dog, it will usually lead you to the owner. Without waiting for a reply from one so inferior as myself, she continued to hold up the skirt against her expanse of waist. ‘Let’s go and try them on’ she suggested to my neighbour. My neighbour beckoned to me and we all trooped off to the snooty woman’s house round the corner. ‘The dog stays out!’ she glared at me. I rolled my eyes and TT was only too happy to oblige and with that, trotted off back home by herself, glad to be free of this fur clad toff. I followed them into the bedroom and they proceeded to try on the skirts. My neighbour had no trouble fitting into hers – and it did suit her very well. The other woman however struggled into hers – I thought a shoe horn might come in useful but thought she probably wouldn’t appreciate such advice. At last, gasping and perspiring heavily from the exertion, she admired herself in the mirror. Clearly the skirt was 2 sizes too small for her and she could only hope to ever stand in it as the slightest attempt to sit down would result in immediate disintegration of the said item and consequent social embarrassment. Her stomach bulged in an unsightly manner and even if she were able to bend over, which was a physical impossibility, the comment ‘has there been an eclipse?’ would not be inappropriate. ‘How does it look?’ she asked and then immediately answered her own question ‘Yes, it’s quite flattering’. I said nothing, my silence speaking volumes. I didn’t exist anyway so my opinions counted for nothing. It took her another 10 minutes to wrestle free of the garment – Houdini would have been proud of her. ‘Let’s go and find a matching top for this!’ she announced triumphantly and trotted off victorious.